He’s Never Had Lettuce

That is correct. My husband has never had lettuce. And, from the looks of things he might be the lucky one. I’m referring to the cyclospora outbreak. But let’s get back to the story.

How can someone go their entire life without ever having eaten or at least tried lettuce. Meet my husband. He is adverse to condiments, dressings and toppings.

Some of you may recall his Saladmarcos order – turkey and provolone on a hard roll, nothing else on it. Well, add to his idiosyncrasies he does not and has not ever tried lettuce.

He also does not like and has never had a tomato. He does not use any condiments – no ketchup on a hamburger and no mustard on a hotdog. Oh, and get this, he will not eat tomatoes, but he will eat tomato sauce. Go figure.

I always tell him that he’s an odd duck. He’s an audiophile and audiophiles do not like to be called audiophiles. Like I said, odd duck.

We have been together now for almost 20 years, me and this odd duck. It is hard to imagine. Most folks thought we would never make it. Relationships are hard work. Any relationship is hard work, but marriage in particular. There is always a compromise to be made to keep everyone happy.

One thing that I compromised on was having children. The older you get the more difficult it is and after many attempts and miscarriages we decided to simply accept the edict the universe was sharing. What this means is that I get to spoil my niece and nephew even more. It means I get to spoil my husband’s grandchildren (well technically our grandchildren but I never like to overstep since my husband was married before and has a son and I would not want the biological grandmother to ever think I considered myself their grandmother; also, I’m a bit too young (at least I feel I am) to call myself Grandmother for goodness sake.

Alas I digress; I was discussing lettuce and condiments and went down the rabbit hole of marriage and compromise. Let’s talk about my husband’s other dietary quirks. No lettuce, no condiments, no sauce, unless he makes the sauce, and no cheesecake, no panna cotta, key lime pie or tiramisu.

I make cheesecake and tiramisu at the holidays, and key lime pie and panna cotta on special occasions. He will not touch any of these desserts. It’s a texture thing.

He will, however, enjoy a number of baked items. Blueberry buckle, rhubarb buckle during the summer, chocolate chip cookies, carrot cake, cupcakes and vanilla cake. I bake just about every other week. I like to bake and baking makes him happy which makes me happy.

My quirky husband always tells me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is and that I will miss all of his little quirks with my next husband. He always says “You’re going to miss it. Your next husband won’t be so funny.”

He’s right. I would miss him terribly, and since the fainting on August 15th, I constantly worry that one morning I will wake up and he will not wake up with me. Even though his lab and other tests have come back negative and even though his doctors have largely given him a clean bill of health, I still worry. I would miss ordering that turkey and provolone on a hard roll, nothing else on it; because it is quirky and because never having had lettuce is one of the quirks about him which I love.

Sweet Dreams,

Ava

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